Sunday, June 6, 2010

My Current Predicament

Hi everyone. All is going pretty well here. The weather is beautiful and warm. I found a babysitting job to keep me occupied and help me out monetarily until I come home. The family is a nice Australian family. They live in the suburbs of Paris in a nice house on the river. The kids are sweet and the parents are very kind.

Things are also going well with Olivier. I am just dreading leaving him behind when I come home. Thinking about saying goodbye is already hard enough. I am just hoping that I will be able to eventually come back to be with him. For now, I am doing my best to really enjoy the time I have left here. I am down to the under two month mark. Time sure does fly.

When I think about everything I have gone through this year, I realize just how emotional this year has been. It started with homesickness, then troubles with the French family, then missing my family, especially at Christmas, then the realization that I had fallen in love and would have to leave, and of course, the decision to leave the French family. As I look at all of this, the most troubling for me is still unresolved. I want to be with Olivier, but it is nearly impossible. How do you follow your heart when it means living an ocean away from your family? I have really done ok this year being far away. It was hard in the beginning, and from time to time throughout the year, but I am ok. I can manage it. I have realized that being with Olivier makes me so happy, and I feel that I need to follow my heart and see where our relationship goes. Logic has flown right out the window.

Now my struggle is figuring out how to stay here. The reality is that I need to work. I need a real job. I cannot continue babysitting for the rest of my life. It is just not enough, both financially and intellectually. I have those darn student loans hanging over me, and trust me, they will be there for a long, long time. I knew this when I started school. For me, I did not personally have a choice. I had to have an education and student loans were my way of achieving this. Enough about those darn loans. Those are just part of life. In order to live in France, I need a visa. Since I need a job, I need a work visa. I have been researching this for months now and a work visa is almost impossible for an American teacher like me to obtain. Basically, I need to find a job that will do the visa paperwork for me. They must prove that they need my skills for the job, etc... Now why would any school do this when they can easily just hire a Brit or another European? Exactly...they wouldn't. I have sent out numerous e-mails and resumes. Of the responses I received, the jobs required that I already have working papers. It is one big Catch-22. I'm stuck. So basically I am still hoping that any good karma in my life will catch up with me and throw me a miracle of a bone. Until then, I just have to wait and see.

I can't help but continually play one song in my head. It was sort of a theme song last time I left Paris, but it has become even more fitting for my current situation. John Denver's "Leaving on a Jet Plane" pretty much sums it all up. I just hope that when I go, I will be coming back. It might not be for awhile, but I can't imagine my life any other way.

I am going to spend Wednesday through Sunday with Olivier at his parents' home in Antibes. He has some vacation time and I thought it best to spend what little time I have left here enjoying our time together. I really cannot wait to be there. He left yesterday morning for Dublin for a week-end with his best friend, and I will not see him until I fly into Nice. Needless to say, I am giddy with excitement. I hope you are all doing well. I'll see you soon.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My Summer Wish

I hope that I can make the best of our time together.

I hope I can find a way to come back.

I hope I can be happy and just enjoy being with you,
Instead of being sad about not being with you.

I hope this is not our last summer together.

I hope this is our first summer together.

Bisous, cheri.

I Thought of You

The other day, I awoke early, and for some reason, had the urge to write this down.

Yesterday, when I moved to another bench to find the sun, I thought of you.

As I saw the moon peek up over the city last night, I thought of you.

As I was crying over life's difficulties, I thought of you.

This morning, in the still early hours,
As the birds' chirping brought the only sound to my ears and I slowly drank my first cup of coffee, I thought of you.

As I thought about your mother, I thought of you.

When the song came on that makes us think of us, I thought of you.

Every day, throughout the day, I think of you.

I love you, I miss you.

No matter what I do or where I am, I keep you with me.

I thought of you, Mom.

I am looking forward to our next morning coffee together.