Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I just posted my last blog a little over an hour ago, and I can't stop thinking about how depressing I sound. Well, I wrote it to feel better. Sometimes I feel better when I write what I'm feeling...just another form of venting I guess.
Here's what happened. I was on my way home and I was listening to my Ipod. Of course, some song came on that triggered everything, and I started crying. I cried by myself and then to get over it, I wrote a blog. Hence, it was pretty miserable. However I will not delete it. It is true, it is how I am feeling, and I can't deny how sad I am about leaving. But I am also happy. I am so comfortable here, I am with the guy I love, and he loves me too. Aside from the fact that going home means I have to leave him, at least for now, I am so excited to get home. Finally. I have missed friends, family, even Cadillac. What do I want to do when I get home?! Well, here's my list. It's not finished and I'm sure I left out a lot, but here are just a few things.
1) Hug my parents
2) Hug my dogs and throw tennis balls for them
3) See Lina, Sanna, and Lucas (Maria, Gus, and Buxton too!)
4) Go to the movie theater with my dad
5) Hang out with Lauren
6) Play Cranium and Euchre with the Lempe family and friends (Lo, you're on my team, chica)
7) Eat peanut butter chocolate ice cream
8) Eat Mexican Food at Herraduras
9) Swing with Grandpa Porter on his porch swing and learn from Pat
10) Drive up to Traverse City to have lunch with Grandpa and Grandma Brugger
11) Call Julie and Brittany and (insert a bunch of names here of my best buds) and REALLY catch up
12) Drink coffee on my porch with my mom
13) Skype Olivier
14) Go through my closet and rediscover my clothes
15) Go camping (luckily I have 2 trips planned right away!)
16) Lay on the boat
17) The list goes on and on.....
I am thankful that when I get back, my time will be completely filled with friends, family, and fun (some of my very favorite "F" words). I already have some lunches planned, I have a week-long camping trip with the Brugger family, and Olivier is coming for two weeks, arriving in Chicago on August 1st. Then it will be my birthday and Lauren has already assured me that we WILL have fun. Basically, I will be so busy having fun, that my time will fly and before I know it, fall will be here, I'll be working, and planning a trip back to France. Life is good. No, life is great.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Hi. I’m sorry that I haven’t blogged in ages. I can’t even explain why. I have not been exceptionally busy or anything. I guess I just have not had the desire. I had plans to run through all of the little details of summer trips, etc. However, for now, I just feel like writing about how I’m feeling.
My countdown has been in effect for several months, but I am officially leaving in a week. It is down to the wire and I am going through hundreds of emotions: happy, devastated, hopeful, love, fear, heartbreak, longing… I still haven’t figured out exactly how I am going to eventually come back to France, but I know that I will…I know that it is in my future, and that I just have to somehow work out the logistics.
Several weeks ago I wrote a poem about being in the calm before the storm. I wrote that I could see a storm approaching, I knew that it would be bad, and that eventually it would pass. The storm I am referring to is, of course, my life far from my love. It hardly seems fair, but I guess life never is. Don’t misinterpret this please. I am so excited to finally be with my family and friends, but my heart is already aching knowing how hard it is going to be for me to be away from Olivier. In my poem, the storm broke as I said goodbye on my way to the airport. It was the strongest at first, and over time, I got used to the thunder and rain. I adapted and even though it was hard, I survived. And I will. There is no doubt in my mind that I will be fine. However, instead of starting when I leave, I feel like the storm is already here. I love every moment I spend with him, but every time I think about how happy I am, I am reminded that my time with him is almost over, at least for now. I just thank God that my upcoming goodbye is just temporary and that I am not saying goodbye forever.
My emotions are completely crazy. I am so happy one moment, then crying the next. I am trying to be strong. I am doing ok. It is just hard. I don’t know how I will find the strength to leave, but I will. I can’t wait to hug my parents. I can’t wait to chat with girl friends, visit family, go camping, walk on the beaches, play ball with my dogs, and see my kids (aka Maria’s kids). This will all immensely help me. I am so lucky to have so much love in my life. Thank you all for loving me, supporting me, and just being there. I love you all. What would I do without you?